You ever watch a WWII movie? Well, I grew up on a steady diet of these films so let me tell you how it goes:
German soldiers have parachuted behind American lines and they’re impersonating Yanks. They’re posing as MP and Grunts, and they’re bent on destroying the Yank march on Berlin. It’s not that they love the Fuhrer, but those uniforms are so fucking stylish that they just know if Paris has it’s way they’ll be wearing silk jumpers and patent leather mary janes. You just can’t win a war in capri pants and Jackie O glasses, dahlings!
Anyway…at some point, the Americans get wise to this and suddenly US soldiers are sizing each other up, wondering if this good ole’ boy is really a Kraut bastard. And so the order of the day is to question any suspicious activity. Stop me when this sounds familiar….
In almost every movie, some Yank stumbles into a Kraut impersonator and they strike up a conversation. At some pint, the Kraut does something wrong – maybe he calls the Sergeant “Private” or fondles livestock, maybe he forgets Patton’s name or forgets what a Royal Flush is. You know, something really slight. Krauts are like that, they have horrible memories and can’t play poker for schiesse. Then, invariably, the Yank will offer the Kraut a smoke and ask him a sports-related question. Something every Yank should know, like “What’s the middle name of the right-handed, third-string first baseman from the 23rd state?” The Kraut doesn’t know and so the Yank blasts him with his Tommy gun.
Of course all of the other Yanks are freaked out, because only the wise grizzled Sergeant knew. That’s how Sarge has stayed alive so long. You greenhorns pay attention, Sarge will get you through this…until twenty minutes before the show ends and he dives on a grenade, as we Yanks love to do. It’s a reflex that comes from epic games of Duck Duck Goose during recess. Cue the spontaneous eulogy given by the farm boy who is then so enraged that he takes out all of Germany with his canteen and wins a dozen Medals of Honor and is named Emperor of the Universe.
Jeez, I can’t believe you guys don’t know this stuff.
Anyway, here’s my thing: I don’t know ANYTHING about sports. So when Sarge offers me a smoke and asks me who I think’ll win the World Series when it’s actually Tennis season….
