A (Short) Life Story Collection
Volume 1 of the “Pain Management Reader” Series
By: Piper Flumbing
John Franklin was born on March 18th of 1962. He loves to read. Today, however, he would find himself wishing that the copy of “The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook” he was engrossed in as he crossed the street included a section entitled “What to do if you don’t see the Greyhound coming.”
“You know, it’s funny how in these William Tell-type of stories, the guy with the apple is always the one who ends up getting hurt.” Impossible as it may seem, Timothy Ipswich, 29, of Youngstown, OH, actually had time to think that entire thought as the arrow came streaming toward his fruit capped skull.
The eulogy of Alex Parker (40 years old, Bozeman, MT) included two pieces of advice from his lifelong companion Jason. The first was that any observer present while doing a chainsaw carving of a bust of your lover should always wear goggles and sit a safe distance away to avoid flying debris. The second, and more important pearl of wisdom, is not to underestimate the confusion that can arise when you are close to finishing the piece. For a variety of reasons, this was a closed casket funeral.
In life, the family and friends of 23 year old Jane Parsons would say that she never had a keen grasp of irony. Of course, this view changed in light of the fact that the young nursing student died of heart failure during a defibrillator demonstration gone horribly awry.
The unfortunate passing of Carl Connors, the friendly 50 year old from Cat’s Run, NE also brought about the untimely demise of “Bob’s Poolside Toaster and Desk Fan Emporium”.
Jim Thompson would never collect his $50 dollars in winnings from his best friend Rob Jacobs, for Jim was all too right when he insisted a condom was not enough rubber to insulate you while you enjoyed the unusual pleasure of having your electric love doll in the tub with you.
Lying on his deathbed, accountant Harold Raymond finally had admit that his neighbors were right: The stray dog he had adopted just two weeks earlier wasn’t at all misunderstood, but actually rabid.
As she signed her husband Herman’s death certificate, Maxine Simpson made a solemn vow: If she were to ever again make love by the fireside, she would never again use vegetable oil as a lubricant.
Most would say that Peter Macaulay’s death was untimely, but there was always the odd dissenter who insisted that the “Alternative Fuels for Dildos Project” could only end in tragedy.
David Walker’s homicide was quite possibly the most gruesome ever seen by the city’s detectives. His cat’s motives, however, still have yet to be determined.
It was after losing Cindy, his third lovely assistant, that magician Ron Carpenter decided that his newly conceived “Amazing Disappearing Left Temporal Lobe” trick was not as visually stunning as he had hoped, but also proved much too challenging to be a feasible replacement for his tried and true “Got Your Nose” bit.
It wasn’t too long into her ill fated Trans-Atlantic voyage that yachting enthusiast Tracy Dean would become painfully aware of the design flaws of her new mega-ultra lightweight craft the “Spongetiki”.
The coroner, in keeping with the ethics of his profession, would keep recently deceased Jason Twomey’s name confidential, but he also knew that he would be doing the medical community a great disservice if he did not publish his report that unequivocally determined the cause of death to be enema overdose.
When police saw what Bernard Watson used as a noose in his suicide, they just could not resist making a multitude of obvious “well hung” jokes, no matter how crass it made them look during the Last Rights ceremony.
Not surprisingly, the lawsuit brought by 56 year old Evelyn Sloan shortly before her passing was dismissed because the jury found many reasonable doubts about her claim that her liver failure was caused by the effects of second hand gin.
The unusual and seemingly superficial wound that caused the death of gun store owner Daniel Leftwich would warrant the replacement of the phrase “Achilles Heel” with “Lefty’s Eyelash”.
Stan couldn’t figure out how the stampede got started, but even more perplexing was how his fellow zookeeper, Tony Newsom, managed to get trampled to death by the agitated three-toed sloth herd.
Alas, doctoral candidate in chemistry Allison Scherholtz was destined never to finish her landmark dissertation “A Definitive Gustatory Analysis of the Most Poisonous Shit in the World.”
Once he mastered the art of self fellatio, nobody doubted for a second that gagging would be a constant nuisance for Adam Danowicz. How in the world he turned it into a full on asphyxiation by getting his testicles lodged in his nostrils was the part that had investigators baffled.
San Diego Detective Xavier Smith called the zoology department at the local college in desperate hope that animals had finger prints because the one and only lead he had in the mysterious case of Felicity Maguire was the elephant footprint in the middle of her chest.
Though the late herpetologist Thomas Adler’s study of the newly discovered “Impaler” snake was known to be inherently dangerous, even his most experienced colleagues could not believe that the tail coming out of his rectum and the head coming out of his mouth belonged to a single animal.
Tammy Jones was known to be depressed, dyslexic and not very worldly, but as her pantsless body was carted out of her apartment, the other tenants could only sit and wonder how clitting your wrists cold actually be fatal.
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